Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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