i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize