You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
ttyl tear gas
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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