cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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