i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
