Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
