We're facebook friends in real life
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
