I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
