I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
