Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
