I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
