The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
