The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
