I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
