remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
