I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
