its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I have fence marks all over my body
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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