marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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