Do you still have your period?
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
