Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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