Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
