"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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