i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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