Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize