I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
