Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
