I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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