So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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