We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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