I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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