from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
