I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
