I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
