Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
