Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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