I got chris browned last night
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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