A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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