3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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