i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
