I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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