Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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