How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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