the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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