yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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