so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
false alarm, still single
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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