I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
