Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
