i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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