Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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