I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
