Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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