I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
