worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
