Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
