is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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