i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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