1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
