then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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