I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize