Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
