The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
