He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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