I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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