I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
